Life in Motion: And Here I Go Again

I saw a word today that sounded nice and foreign at the same time. It reminded me of how I chose to tread on alone; refusing help even when it gets really tough.

I guess the clouds are all squeezed dry now that it has stopped raining. The sloughy mixture of water and soil has fully covered the lower half of my body. Gosh! Why didn't I see it when it was dry a day earlier? Why was I so complacent, thinking to myself what could go wrong? How wrong I was.

It was even more foolish to refuse help from that guy - fiercely - and asking him what a frail man could do to get me out. I cursed the ground. And the sky. And anything else I could think of, that caused this malady. I looked up and I made out Scorpio. the constellation. And I saw pride.

When light came, I started digging around me until what was left couldn't sustain me anymore.

It's been a month now and I must say I did quite well getting out. Not quite. I didn't, actually. The last thing I felt and saw were the soft clay and rock which were deposited around my hips.

And the word? Yesharim.

Gimme a break!

it's been erratic around here really. i'm not faithfully putting my thoughts up (or down?) that frequently compared to last time. i'm jaded. i'm disappointed with people around me though i don't put much hope in them. when it comes to work, i'm slogging for what would be another thesis tucked away in an inconspicuous corner of the shelf. how am i to go forward or go greater heights (as our politicians love to put it) if my own doesn't even care? i'm sponsored by another government for all i'm worth yet i'm prevented to go. i'm resigned to the fact that red tape is a culture like any other and that colour changes life. after all, without colour life would be dull won't they?

Homeward Bound

Written by Moazzam Begg whilst in solitary confinement

Begins this journey without reins,
End in capture without aims;
Now lying in the cell awake,
With merriment and smiles all fake:

Freedom is spent, time is up -
Tears have rent my sorrow's cup;
Home is cage, and cage is steel,
Thus manifest reality's unreal

Dreams are shattered, hopes are battered,
Yet with new status one is flattered!
The irony of it - detention, and all:
Be so small , and stand so tall

Years of tear and days of toil
Are now but fears and tyrants' spoil;
Ordainment has surely come to pass,
But endure alone one must this farce

Still the paper do I pen,
Knowing what but never when -
As dreams begin, and nightmares end -
I'm homeward bound to beloved tend.

Moazzam Begg & Victoria Brittain (2006), Enemy Combatant: the terrifying true story of a Briton in Guantanamo

Oh? Oh!

Oh, what a cute pout
Coupled with that big snout
A curve forms across the lips
Whenever the eyes meet

Oh, that voice
That assures, imparts poise
Be it tremors or quakes
A place of solace it takes

Oh, that warm touch
Like the bedding in the hutch
Soothe, comfort, straighten every nerve
Completes and fills every void, and their dearth

Oh, wait!
I'm a tad too late
Your face, words, and presence
Come into being in my absence.

Humanity to Others

Booted Ubuntu from the LiveCD (was delivered free of charge all the way from the UK) and solved an XP problem that prevented my system from starting. I'm indebted to the folks at Bleeping Computers for the commands and stuff.

What I like about the Linux for Human Beings is that - not only is it free - it's built upon a source and bettered by contributors all over.

I can't say I'm totally switching over to it now since I'm with Windows since '95 and am used (or handicapped) to the environment but if I were to get a new computer, it'll be open-source; from the OS to essential programs!

Heads up

It's half past two in the morning and I have to say the weather's funny. It's scorching during the day and strangely cool at this time. Breezy every now and then. A model of a real desert maybe?

Since there isn't much to see along the horizon of my view, naturally one would look up. And that's what I did. What do I see? My favourite thing in sky - the stars. There were so many of them; some larger and brighter than the other and I stood by the balcony staring at them.

And then came a few wishes: that I'd photograph meteors on a dark cloudless night, climb atop a mountain to get an unobstructed 360-degree view and relive my first ever meteor encounter few years back. And I thought of blasting into space to look at them. Well, you'd excuse the last thought given the time now.

I don't own any star-worthy equipments so I snapped the lights on the air conditioning unit. Can't complain too much about the quality. I guess this is another random and impulsive urge to write something after getting all mellow from the stargazing session. What I had in mind is way too long for a mobile post.

Salve, Panthera tigris!

We feast as the tiger chases down the ox. It was a time of getting together and having good food. I'll refrain from using the word reunion since it wasn't as if everyone returned from a hundred miles off but rather, we're in constant contact albeit intermittently.

I sure hope that the new year will mean my work becomes easier and that I work swiftly although, I have to say, I don't believe in such stuff; much less feng shui and its many self-proclaimed experts. One thing I'd wish from the tiger is that it chases down people in and around the workplace and sink its teeth into their neck. That's for being selfish!

Funny how these people operate in a society, the word itself means many people. Guess the tiger will never change its stripes?

Life in Motion: TV Series

There's something magical, sometimes, about the piano; it's enrapturing if not somnorific...

I tried my best to see, hear, and feel each episode of the series "My Life in Retrospect". Each episode varies in duration; the shortest being about 5 minutes and the longest, well, the longest yet took roughly 30 minutes. There was no commercial and like many downloaded media, I have the freedom to pause before continuing.

I couldn't, and would never, tell if others share the same positive evaluation of My Life in Retrospect since CSI, Bones and the like could easily win over a large number of audience, possibly leaving me and a few others as the only "fan" of Life. Since I began following it, Life has many heartwarming stories as well as its share of despondency. After all, Life is life confined to the limits of what's possible in this world; nothing spectacular like Legion or Universal Soldiers, just an ordinary slice of life tale scripted from the mind of the writer.

Each episode usually begins with a piano piece and ends with the same; difference being the gist of the episode which would then determine the mood of the song. Sometimes it'd be Sunday Afternoon Waltz (Yiruma) and at other times, melodies like Kiss the Rain (Yiruma). I'd suggest that they be looked up on the net. Great melodies.

Hitherto, two memorable episodes of Life would be Ephemeral Joys of Childhood on the tale of the protagonist's growing up years through high school and another would be Regrets: I've Had A Few; which I believe the title is self-explanatory. Everyone could relate to the story of the growing up years; the shrills of gaiety and the smiles carved on a carefree toddler. Then the all too familiar life in high school packed with stories of mischief, punishment, puppy love, and friendship – all serve to build character and to add to the fascination of posterity when it’s retold in time to come.

Like many, the story of Regret is one with an ending that’s painfully honest: you can’t turn back time. For some lucky ones, they’re given a second and maybe, a third time to get it right. For others, they have only one shot and they’d have to live with it the rest of their life. Regrets come in many ways, it could be things not done when it should’ve been done. Either that or things which were done, and done wrong on hindsight. Guilt can, and does, bring a man down to his bed; head buried in his pillow and soaked it with tears.

I’ve mentioned, as if to add to the moment, the piano melodies (and sometimes pop songs) accompany the stories. I have to note, though, that screening of each episode is irregular.

Like a dream, I tried recapturing every moment of every episode and then replay them every now and then. But then again, it’s less surreal than a dream. It’s free from artificiality. It’s real. It’s reality. And instead of dreaming about them, I lived them. I laughed and I cried. When the music plays, tears are still streaming down my cheeks and the careless countenance of the sepia years are now more rugged and lined with the burdens of adulthood.

I’ve been there and done that. Cheers to the best part of teenage life. And to regrets, I’ll always remember.

Author: For those who have reached the end and still wonder what kind of television show Life is about, there's no such series. Ever.

Paid Beach. What a bitch!

First and foremost, forgive the choice of word.

I use to tell my friends that the [famed] beaches of Penang along Tanjung Bungah up to Teluk Bahang belong to the rich save for one or two littered with plastics, charcoal and other party leftovers. Why litter and then organize a beach cleanup afterwards? Well, that's another problem.

Tanjung Bungah beach

On any clear night, one would expect to find a few blokes on bikes circling the housing area looking out for party-goers / lovebirds making their way to the "Laluan Awam ke Pantai" (Public Access to the beach) - that's what the city council sign reads - and brazenly asked for money. I wonder how they knew I drove there then. Now, the thought of going to beaches seems to kill the joy when I think of them. It's easy to say ignore them but they'd just do some nasty things to your car just to send home the message that they're lord over the place. The police? Ah, they're busy serving their other duties, if you know what I mean by that. That's Malaysia maybe?

Elsewhere, the beach area is cordoned off and the residence could have a ball of a time in the perimeter. Further up, it's bustling with jet skis, horses (and their poo), para sailing and the other things people do by the beach. I'd rather swim in the pool. Come nighttime, the area is just plain unsafe.

What I'm saying is that beaches are fast becoming "proprietary" and become something having ownership of. I wonder if people in other places fork out a few Euros or Dollars just to park in areas nearby the beach. Savour the beaches we may never have, clean and free for everyone.

South Beach, Miami

Ponte Vedra, Florida. My favourite scene. Thanks to a friend who lives nearby.

Revere Beach, Massachusetts

San Vicenzo beach, Italy. Capri is too rocky for my liking.

Insouciance. Imperious. Impasse.

Two weeks into the new year and I'm feeling really unsure about all the optimism I harboured a fortnight ago. It's still the same people, bureaucracy, and problems; unnecessary impediments, that necessarily slows down work. What's more discouraging is that the amount of work put in generates little in return and that, coupled with the higher ups breathing down your neck expecting something all the time is a serious deadener.

Good thing I learned to fall and land like the cat, or so it seems. I learn to take joy in the little things like when you have an almost clear liquid getting turbid by the hour. Also, as if deceiving myself, I keep hoping and getting all excited about the prospect of getting a new machine to make life much more bearable. Mind you, borrowing things outside the lab is a real test of self control, patience, and long-suffering. Meekness too. It's easy to name who has what but to actually use it, one needs to be nice (at least try to smile) and bear the words slash expression slash imperious behaviour of the little lords.

Let's not get carried away and spoil the rest of the evening for me. I just hope and pray that things will be fine in a few months time. For now, I'm creating a list of have nots that I wish to have (or at least read them) this year. Too new for the used books dealer and too dear to own from the bookstore.

In no particular order, here goes:

King James Conspiracy - Phillip DePoy
Turning the Solomon Key - Robert Lomas
Who Dares Win - Chris Ryan
Quran and Crickets - Farish Noor
Fidel Castro: My Life - Fidel Castro and Ignacio Ramonet
The Imperial Cruise - James Bradley
Dear John - Nicholas Sparks

I'm reading (and bookmarking) some nice books now:

Uncle Jack - Tony Williams and Humphrey Price
Belonging - Sameem Ali
A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of A Boy Soldier - Ishmael Beah

Not forgetting for this year and many years ahead:

A DSLR
A Sony PS3
A Logitech G25/27 Racing Wheel

The last three items are more of a dream to pander me whenever I look at them in malls. I miss the insouciant days of yore; growing up at home and in school. I miss school.

The Dutchman's Log

I wrote the following two in a birthday card to mum.

As you sail
May life be free from messy bale
Breezy in the aft and away from the gale
Stories from the vogage many you'll regale

Navigate where the Wind blows
Behold the sides of the north
Life and its throes
Ephemerally bide as you set forth

Self Evaluation

I'm sad to read in the news how there were two more bids to burn churches and in another related incident, a black paint was splashed. I'm sad to see how my country seems to breed fanatics akin to that in Pakistan and elsewhere where chaos reigns supreme.

But then, these allow Christians everywhere to ask themselves one simple question: "How I felt?"

Yes, how we felt? Was it anger? Or anger which then simmers down to forgiveness [after reading Matthew 5:39]? Or was it an urge to pray for God's protection and for forgiveness for the perpetrators? I'd never know what went through the minds of believers right up to the church leaders. What I know is that it's good exercise to put into actions what we've learn every now and then from sermons and bible studies. After all, faith [in Jesus and His nature] is dead without works.

We're called to praise God in every circumstances and surely God sees. So, [as a reminder to myself] love and bless those who curse you. Truly, God is love and we're compelled to love as He loved.

Knowing My Birthplace

I nearly echo what Khairy said in relating to the church attack but then again, I've always known that such a thing will happen in the country since such attacks occurred in neighbouring Indonesia long ago. It's sad to see how, in recent years, some resort and move towards extremism (here read as extreme measures and nothing else) in a country known to be moderate.

Moderate internationally but like all other countries, there are problems and uneasiness simmering occasionally spilling to the front page but threats and the actual act of carrying it out is quite alien to me. Of course, I went like, "Wow, there are hackers here in Malaysia too". Now, it's this, "Gosh, we're becoming more like Pakistan!"

That said, it's a comfort to know that there exist cool-headed Muslims (not the politicians, I don't trust them) like this one and my mates. Well, I will never know how much they meant what they said but at least they don't charge after me screaming.

Is There No Hope?

A gloomy day today and it's disheartening to read the following post...

A Letter to Lim Kit Siang

Dear Mr. Lim Kit Siang,

I have utmost respect and admiration for your tenacity in remaining in Malaysia to champion the cause of justice and equality and fight for a Bangsa Malaysia.

My heart broke when I read about your article regarding the honest cyber cafe operator especially when he wondered if he ‘had chosen the wrong country’ to start and operate his business.

I see my situation summed up in that phrase. You have said before that the best and brightest are leaving this country. Well, I am making every preparation to leave. I have consistently scored straight As in every public exam and placed among the top 3 of my form. In university, I studied medicine and am among the top scorers. I have just graduated and scored near perfect results in a medical licensing examination that will enable me to work abroad and further my studies.

I was born a Malaysian yet I cannot see myself as a Malaysian. As a Chinese, I feel that I am being discriminated against. I feel that the government is trying its hardest to sideline me just because of my race. I look around and see this discrimination manifested in various forms. From the issue regarding religious conversion to the allocation of places in local universities, the stench of discrimination is sickening.

It was horrifying to note in my batch of medical students, there were a substantial number of malay students who actually did not apply for medicine but were sent to study it. It is disgusting to think that many STPM straight A scorers are deprived of a chance to study medicine while the government gives the places to people who are not even sure that they want to study medicine.

I have seen how racial politics sully the environment in the university and how unqualified people are in high posts at the expense of far more intelligent and qualified individuals just because they are Malay. I have heard the terrible statements made by delegates at the recent UMNO General Assembly about revoking my citizenship rights should I question their special rights.

I have seen the videos on YouTube where UMNO MPs have the audacity to ask us to ‘keluar’ (leave) of the country if we don’t like what they are doing to it. And I see the pathetic attempt by the PM to ‘discipline’ these racists. I hate the fact that Gerakan and MCA have done NOTHING to fight for my rights instead of just kow-towing to UMNO for their own gains.

Patriotism isn’t about singing the national anthem or raising the flag. It isn’t about accepting at face value everything the government says. It isn’t about attending merdeka celebrations. It is about feeling accepted as part of your nation. It is about knowing that your nation accepts you as a son or daughter. It is about realizing that being a part of a nation entails certain responsibilities. That is my definition of patriotism.

And right now, as a Malaysian, I am feeling anything BUT patriotic. 50 years of independence? So what? What has it done for me? Whoopee. I have a chance to change my life. I will change my destiny. I could not choose the country where I was born but I can very well choose the country that I will swear my allegiance to. I want a country that will recognize me as a citizen and grant me rights equal to that of all other citizens. I want a country that has the wisdom to recognize my potential and talents and reward me accordingly. I want a country where the government fears its people and conducts itself in a manner worthy of respect and honor.

This is not my nation. I am leaving. Mr. Lim, I salute you and all those like you who can find the strength and energy to fight for an ungrateful bunch of people. How many actually held mass protests, hunger strikes or rose up to defend you and your family when you or your son was imprisoned for fighting for us? How many did more than just shake their heads and move on with their petty little lives? None that I know of. Yet you continue to defend their rights.

You are an amazing man, Mr. Lim and I truly admire you for that. Unfortunately, I have a bright future ahead and I will not waste it in this country. It is not my nation.

Thank you for fighting the good fight.

(Author’s name withheld for privacy)

Heralding Peace in 2010

Here's my take on the Herald issue regarding the use of the word Allah as a pronoun to replace God in the Malay language.

It's so restless everywhere and even on Facebook where the 'defenders' are fanning the whole affair. I think the magazine should just pause and think what is wrong with using the word Tuhan to represent God since in Malaysia (not Saudi) there's a Malay word for it besides Allah.

I don't know if it's about reputation but I think a Catholic (called Christian by others) publication shouldn't strive so much to use a word. It doesn't matter that much does it? It's just not right to fight so much over the use of words and I think they'd just use "God" and avoid so much flare.

I won't risk a backlash by commenting on the Muslim side. But I think everyone should just shut up if they cannot stop resorting to using strong insensitive provocative words.

God bless, y'all.


PS. Oh God, could you please mediate the dispute? But then again, I don't think they'd ever listen to you. After all, they think of themselves as God; playing you. Sigh...

Reads:

High Court grants Catholic publication Herald the right to use ‘Allah’ word again

Minister violated rights of Herald publisher, court told

Government calls for calm over Allah court ruling issue

Allah issue: PM urges calm while Govt appeals court’s decision

Of Herald, Allah (on Malaysiakini) and my chat with Indonesians

Chirps

Julian Chin Джулиан wonders why most people tend to seek [perceived] gold elsewhere when there's abundant at home

Some minutes ago      Comment     Like

And I forgot to note that Avatar, albeit predictable, is one of the best movies I've watched in 2009. And I'm too lazy to compose an article with orange-gold-yellow coloured fonts. It's been a long time since I let my creative part take over, à la Jake Sulley (pronounced the Na'vi way).

Happy New Year Everyone!

Dream
Send me a sign
Turn back the clock
Give me some time
I need to break out
And make a new name
Let's open our eyes
To the brand new day
It's the brand new day

I'm eagerly waiting for mum's birthday and the next episode of Lie To Me.