Blessings

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if each promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this hearts,
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?
   

Tak Pernah Berubah

Tempted to make a post in Malay but decided to hold off until later.

Tak Pernah Berubah, the title of the song by Suki Low (of One in a Million fame if you didn't already know). YouTube video of the song at the end of the post. Not sure if it's just me or there's really a hint of, for lack of a better word, poignancy throughout the song but relaxing nonetheless.

Never Did Change. I reckon that to be the correct translation. And I'd like to think that I never did change too; well, not over to the dark side that is. My view of the local academia remains: that a good percentage of them are selfish and avaricious people seeking office and high praises. But try forcing them back to reality and you'll see a showcase of 'faux intelligence'. In any case, I'll be facing this bunch of people in my thesis defence on September 3. Can hardly wait!

Anyway, I'm quite certain that I can finish the slides before Kak Mimi's engagement on the third day of Aidilfitri. Events such as this do make all the slogging worthwhile. After the defence, I'll look forward to Asyura's wedding on the 16th.

Yours truly with Syura and Kak Mimi. Note: this is 3 years old so what you see ain't what you'll get

Thereafter, interview by for a job with the Ministry of Health (nice way of saying government hospitals/public laboratories) in October. Lastly, a project report at Universiti Malaya in November organized by the Malaysia Toray Science Foundation.

For a moment, it's only natural to think that we have everything drawn out. Plan all we want but it's foolish to be too certain of anything that will happen in the future. The one who trusts in him-/herself will scoff at the notion that nothing is ever certain – or at the idea of a sovereign being – and human knowledge trumps everything.

James reminds that "you do not know what tomorrow will bring". And asks, "What is your life?" (James 4:13-17). Taken out of context, mockers will only be happy to say that it's the slogan of the unambitious. Oh well, I'll be the judge of that.

Night Falls

The night falls and the greater light ceded duty to its lesser counterpart. As I prepare for nightfall, it marks the beginning of yet another 'day' for many – man and other creatures alike.

Perhaps it's been so many nights (more than a week) filled with that greyish tint of a somewhat acrid scent that I find tonight especially beautiful. Rain in the past two days, twice today, did seem to freshen things up.

The Milky Way and a tank on Lemnos Island, Greece. (Credit: Konstantinos Vasilakis)

I saw the stars sitting pretty before the blue, night sky (yes, night skies are blue) limited by the size of my window. It's enough.

For from this calmness burst forth a thousand voices. Yet, as I hit my make-believe F5 button, I saw what I had seen moments ago: calm and quiet.

So, be it a flutter and a flurry, or a lull and a hush, I'll take them into my REM sleep knowing things are indeed in control. From the rotation of the Earth to the teardrop from that deep yawn.
 

Terra Incognita

It has been seven years and still counting
The eighth looms with the tears still flowing
In some moments’ reprieve did they ease
Granting an instance of ataraxis

No sooner had the pain gone away
Than the surge of memories crashed my way
Time is a potent salve yet feelings remained grey
More so with every minute on this special day

What seemed like a week ago
With that gratingly gaping hole
Turns out to be a great distance in the eyeshot
As I edge away in a bumbling backward trot

I guess this is my deep end of the pool
One with my coach prematurely pulled
Now left the timing system to motivate me
And the lane markings to guide emotionlessly

Be it emeralds or ametrines
Contact mines or sea nymphs
I backed into the terra incognita
Holding on to her goading to get this far

The daisies stand out against the frigid monolith
Like the warm and welcoming figure I love and miss
Affection, acceptance, and a hearty laughter permeate the air
In the home of the cook, pizzaiola, and counselor-extraordinaire.
           

Stupidity: Things Above and Not Things Here on Earth

The things of God are stupidity to many. Nobody, of his or her own volition, seeks after God or things that please Him. If you’re that person, you can stop reading now. After all, if you’re looking for a cogent argument this isn’t the place. If any, only a simple faith exists. Many who argue against what I'm going to say (or type, for that matter) have already made up their mind, not in the least concerned about cogency and rigour, and I won’t bring the roof down doing that.

Think about it for a moment. If our value system is not shaped by the Bible (Matt. 6:19-24), the things we value or treasure consistently let us down when we seek our significance, or satisfaction, or security in those things. The energy spent in pursuing what we think those things will provide—happiness, security, satisfaction—consistently lead to failure. The pleasures we think will satisfy us never really do—at least not for long. In fact, they typically just increase our thirst for more. What futile irony!! Such irony is plainly the very fabric of life when it is lived independently of God.

J. Hampton Keathley, III
Resting in God’s Sovereignty

Christians or not, people stock up (rightly) to the point that these material riches become their only goal (wrongly). The “attainable” goal of a comfortable life. Nothing wrong, right? I put “attainable” because everyone thinks that once it’s achieved, we’d step back, sit down, and enjoy. But the fact is, will it ever be enough?

Now God and the Bible aside, I’ve heard on more than one occasion people who proclaimed: “there’s more to life than {insert your goals here}”. Sure thing. There’s more to doing research than to lose sleep over whether the neighbouring lab’s going to outdo and out-publish in a month’s time.

There’s God.

If only people would align their goals to God’s. Instead of asking, “What should I eat, wear, or the type of property to own?” asks, “What do I do with my gifts?” or “How can I bring glory to God?”

I’m perhaps the biggest hypocrite to be saying all these and echoing Paul, “the least and the most unworthy”. Somehow, the toiling and the sustained rush over the past months; plus the little eye-opening chitchats with driven folks did put into perspective the futility of it all when done to satisfy humanity’s benchmark.

What’s prosperity without a purpose? Self-glory is for the here and now. Said Solomon: Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
    and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
    nothing was gained under the sun

Ecclesiastes 2:11

I’m not going to change anyone. But I don’t wish to waste my time achieving everything, rely on my [self-perceived] great understanding + knowledge, giving in to the physical pleasures and contemporaneously bankrupting my spiritual life.

No, no. I’m not entering monkhood nor am I shunning the good things in life [that God has created]. All I’m saying is that I need to have my own convictions and not do as everyone else does.

It’s not easy to close my eyes and walk. It’s not too difficult not to peek either, or remove the blindfold and say, “Fine, I’ll do what I know best.”

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

1 Timothy 6:6-10 

If only the Bible hasn’t been relegated in favour of modern, up-to-date societal demands, or verses cherry-picked to fit [our goals and justify our actions] into the world (oh, we see this often among religionists, don’t we?).

I only hope and ask from God that more people will be like-minded when it comes to goals in life — pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. To serve God and not the gods of this world.

Looking Back in Time - Kizuna

They say time flies when you're having fun but on the flip side, it stops when tragedy strikes. Does it really? Depends on how you perceive it.

This photo greeted me on TMI

It's been a year already. For many, it was news. And it was difficult. But for victims of the March 11 quake and tsunami, it truly is. Whether it's a minute's silence or a daily revisitation, the events of 2011 and others that followed should cause many to stop and reevaluate the course of their life.

I did.

Kizuna: Kanji of 2011, story on BBC News Asia (STR/AFP/Getty Images)

As for looking back, it's very much up to an individual how he or she wish to make of it. To some, bad fortune hardens their resolve to push on. Personally, I'm beginning to learn that the woulda-coulda-shoulda sentiment won't do me any good.

For every other things, a moment's pause is all it takes to realign and try again.

And oh, it's also been a year since the "unofficial first lady of Malaysia" aired her unadvised * opinion on the disaster,

(*grossly understated)
     

Phlegmatic Days

These days, the vision's clear but appeared out of focus. Voices seemed shielded, spoken from behind some fabric. Muffled. It's even harder to try to process mood of the whole affair.

How nice if we'd just agree to everything: life's principles, finances, decisions. Yes, you and I. Our thoughts effortlessly meld. We nod in a split seconds. Kiss and promenade in the dreamy rays. When hunger sets in, we take a bite out of each other. The thigh today. The arms tomorrow. Careful, it's a little tough there. The ribs the day after. Yes love. The world's ours.

Oops! Too much Walking Dead I reckon. And it's not even possible that two people are the same. Guess everyone's gotta work hard where the heart matters.
           

Asians in the States

*speaking [inaudibly] in the American accent*

Not sure why YouTube stopped sending digests on Jubilee Project. Be The Change is a timely reminder. And an important one too considering how much focus one puts on a single thing when there are many more things that matter.

So yeah, Be The Change. If I could just italiciZe the word "the".

Be The Change.

Enjoy.

*wipes saliva from lips*

     
         

Going Home for Dinner

Wait! I've always been home. And I could only imagine what it's like to celebrate new year in a foreign land.

Some are still on their way. In time for lunch on the first day of new year. Some has gone home and mope around until dinnertime. In any case, meal time's over and it was a blessing. I didn't snap any pictures tonight but I did so last night. Yes, yes. We have had dinner two nights in a row now. *ha!*

This one's a foreign TVC about homecoming. Not bad.

Daughtry's Home ain't bad too. Ah, me and videos!

Boom! There goes the opening salvo marking the Chinese New Year and time to sign off. Everyone's home. The American troop's home from Iraq. Truly, home is where the heart is.

Gong Xi Fa Cai !!

CNY Cometh

Lent my strength today at Tesco to help cart away two boxes of honey mandarines and three cartons of canned drinks. I'll settle for the two cans of Coke Light in the fridge during the holidays. I know, artificial sweeteners aren't the best thing around.

As I grow older, preparation for reunion dinner gets more wearing. Part of growing up and growing old I suppose. Luckily I can still choose to not go to the wet market. The atmosphere's the same (excited, anticipatory, and work done in a feverish manner) but the feeling's different now. Is it because there's nothing great lined up for prime time TV? Maybe it's the nagging feeling telling you work ain't done yet and the deadline's coming soon?

How I miss those harum-scarum days of yore when the sum of the two digits of my age is more than 1 and less than or equals 10. Or in recent years, the tear-jerking TVCs by Yasmin Ahmad [for Petronas]. This year's – I missed the last – TVC ain't that great. There's too much going on in the first two minutes I started to lose interest by the 60th second.

You've been warned.

The other locally-produced CNY vid on YouTube has more views and less painful comments. More importantly, the message is clear. I felt Malaysians can better relate to this video than, say, someone who never lived here before. And the subtitles didn't help much. =)

The Prime Minister's CNY wish to all Malaysians is that we "continue with our best Malaysian tradition by sharing the celebration with all communities; to open our doors to all Malaysians."

Point well taken. The last thing he was quoted as saying is, "Let's tear down the divisive walls and barriers and build bridges between our hearts."

Well Mr PM, the walls and barriers that divide and separate us were built and preserved by the present government. How long more do you want to be in denial? I guess you've stopped listening long ago.

Happy Chinese New Year, people!

        

Double Take (2): 2011 in 270 Words

More or less.

Not wanting to be finicky, 2011 has been a good year. Not great but it ain’t bad either. It’s taught me some valuable lessons and ways to handle... well, face setbacks and take it in my stride. Easier said than done, really.

This year saw the passing of some bad people, but I’m not holding my breath. The vacuum will always be filled and that’s how history always rivets me – there’s never a short supply of evil characters.

Tear-jerking YouTube videos are plenty this year and the most memorable one has got to be Stranger, again. To please some real-man-don’t-cry activists out there, maybe the theme of nice guys finishing last would besuitable.

Even the countdown to midnight puts into perspective the oft-heard expression “for every beginning, there is an end”. Hey wait! Every ending, it seems, is a new beginning. That said, the desire to go back to a certain date in 2011 and relive the moment is unmistakable.

All in all, the year’s been a love-hate ride (weren’t the past years similar?). Hate’s too strong a word. More along the lines of like-dislike.

The lineups for 2012 are: the general election and my school’s 160th anniversary homecoming dinner. Come to think of it, my life’s rather low-key, eh? Heheh!

Speaking of school, I think I should top the last post of 2011 off with a marriage proposal I saw a few days back. Dude’s from my school (no wonder he looks so familiar, must’ve seen him queuing up for the delectable food at the canteen) and I heard he’s made a name for himself right now. Way to go!

Happy New Year, people! Be blessed!
            

Double Take (1): Feeling Hopeful and Empowered by 2011

We'll usher in the new year in less than 9 hours; with fireworks, booze, and loud music no less. New year or not, things remain the same. There's always work to be done and the incessant knocking and drilling a few floors down from where I am bear testament to that fact.

The next person who asks what my new year resolution is will get "1024 x 768" for an answer. I haven't had time to look back and evaluate this very eventful year. Contrary to what some thinks, 2012 is by no means the last year of us living creatures. Someone said to a few weeks back that "the end of the world" isn't like what was portrayed on the silver screen, rather it's the beginning of the end. 

Well my friends, the beginning of the end has already begun way before 2009.

On the here and now, events in 2012 will be a continuation from 2011 where corrupt regimes and system the world over were uprooted and burned to ashes. If those weren't the case, Death had a hand on a few occasions. What I'd like to see in my country is the doing away with the extremists in the Malaysian society as well as those bankrupting the nation. Also, 2012 should (hopefully) mark the demise of a morally-corrupt governance based on [the now trite] cronyism, nepotism, and flagrant violations of the Constitution. 

My role? I have a small space on the ballot paper to make an X. And I plan to do just that.

            

Shoot!

The euphemism for sh*t.

Spent half the day before realizing that it's December. Already. No rest for my weary mind and my phalanges. And evil people too.

I've been getting the same questions lately; inquiring about what my future is like. Short answer? A Picasso. You know, the one that you stare at for hours and finally something begins to take shape. 

Just before you scream "Elephant!", you saw a giraffe. That same giraffe then turns into something else. What is it that you saw, really?

I think I'm one of those people for whom the destination is the travel itself.

   

Agape with...

I don't know whether to smile or to cry. Maybe I'll do both and produce that "I'm admiring you and feeling really touched at the same time" look. Throw in a pair of glassy eyes and a quivering pout.

Honestly, I'm not sure what I'm really feeling when I was reading about the kids over at MACS (or Facebook) and Post Pals. Brave kids fighting to keep healthy or to make the 'nasty lump gone'.

Yes, I was agape with dread and admiration.

To Jon Paul, Caitlin, Aled, and Emma, I learn to be "POSITIVE and not NEGATIVE". Sending some cards your way and it's the least I'd do for now. 

I'm thankful that my organs and limbs are all accounted for. What is a chipped incisor compared to VACTERL association?

Working with Burkholderia cepacia, I couldn't appreciate the effects cystic fibrosis have on young patients and their families. Medical reviews are sort of... muted. At least I have new insights now.

     

Righteous Among Nations

I'm so tired I can't sleep, and my eyelids they twitch.

So I thought I better do some reading to sort of slowing that overactive mind on overdrive for the past week. One thing led to another and now I got more intrigued; not because it's new but because of the details.

Being lazy to yak away, I decided to rehash that part I read. I realized it's on Wikipedia too.

You want to know about my motivation, don't you? Well. It is the kind of sentiments anyone would have when he actually sees refugees face to face, begging with tears in their eyes. He just cannot help but sympathize with them. Among the refugees were the elderly and women. They were so desperate that they went so far as to kiss my shoes, Yes, I actually witnessed such scenes with my own eyes. Also, I felt at that time, that the Japanese government did not have any uniform opinion in Tokyo. Some Japanese military leaders were just scared because of the pressure from the Nazis; while other officials in the Home Ministry were simply ambivalent.

People in Tokyo were not united. I felt it silly to deal with them. So, I made up my mind not to wait for their reply. I knew that somebody would surely complain about me in the future. But, I myself thought this would be the right thing to do. There is nothing wrong in saving many people's lives... The spirit of humanity, philanthropy... neighborly friendship... with this spirit, I ventured to do what I did, confronting this most difficult situation – and because of this reason, I went ahead with redoubled courage.

Another piece towards the completion of my learning puzzle readying for my trip to Oświęcim and Jerusalem. Not forgetting Washington, DC. All those places in, at least, 5 years time. Early preparations wouldn't hurt though.

               

The Loop Button

Free-verses are less restrictive and needs little distillation.

The loop function is activated

But really, it can't be turned off at all

It's one of those trips off the beaten track

Into the feeding ground of sandflies

Some say nurtured by the priest-doctor

All alone all along

I stumbled on all day long

Sometimes in doubt and in fear

Not wanting to suffer and trade my life so dear

To the terrifying curse of Kala-azar

The walking stick aids my wearied members

Rough basalt becomes my pillow

Phantom breeze whispers into my ears

Whilst the dew comforts me

Until next ray of sunshine imparts warmth

I awake to a million gnaws

And realize this place ain't Lilliput

These six-legged critters are starving

A bunch of toucans chirp derisively

and one lone toad croaks in agreement

The loop function is activated

But really, it can't be turned off at all

It's one of those trips off the beaten track

Into the proving ground of stealthy hunters

Some say trained by the Wolbachia warriors

  

White November: Recollection and Recounting de novo

Even if it's hot and humid here, Malaysians experience the occasional whiteout caused by a really heavy downpour especially now that the monsoon season is upon us. Elsewhere, it's pumpkin, candles, and snowfall.

September and October have said their goodbyes (good riddance!) and I'm welcoming November. And I can feel the noose tightening around my neck. Anyone realize that time somehow moves faster when we're hoping that they'd just slow down? Maybe it's just me dwelling in the past.

For so many reasons, I wish to be stuck in May and maybe, July. With each passing month, it becoming more and more difficult to complete this arduous journey. One made worse by the vista of decadence (huh?) and the filth emanating from it; all sustained by a stream flowing from that deceitful heartland (what?)

I can't think straight at the moment but my hope for November is... I wonder if there's anything I should look forward to.

The good feelings from six months ago? Is it the carefree days of June? Wait! The felicitous upshots of July? Those were the [more recent] days, and were being the operative word.

All I know is that the alarm has been set to go off at 8 and I have a huge amount of debt to settle – sleep debt accumulated from the past few weeks, that is.

     

The First Snow-- flake

I've never experienced snow in my life, ever. When we're little, sis and I used to sit around mum agape with wonder at her stories. Snowman and Santa in Christmas off the greeting cards and TV adverts.

In November of '93, having saved enough money, we flew to Australia and I remember asking if it'll be snowing. No, it's springtime now. Drat! Still, it was really cold and being kids, we're super excited turning into make-believe dragons spewing "fake smoke" from our mouth and nostrils.

Back in the perpetually sweltering Malaysia, the "ais kacang" was (and still is) a great relief. Being short, I remember staring as the ice shavings fell from the blade and imagining seeing that snowfall.

A big yes to sweet corn, grass jelly (black), red beans, rose (and sarsaparilla)-flavoured syrup, and a drizzle of evaporated milk. No [translucent] attap seeds please.

Reading about the first snowfall and winter in the northern hemisphere seems to transport me back to that time when snow and the igloo utterly fascinates me. Slowly, I'm inching towards that moment when I expel "fake smoke" again.

A scoop of ice cream at the top! That's how I'd like to have my ais kacang. Tried one with mango puree and gula melaka syrup once. The possibilities are endless. Just don't overdo it.

For now, it's temporary satisfaction afforded by that RM4-ish bowl of ais kacang (depending on the toppings). Funny how when people grow up, that childhood desire seems to get shaved away. Perspective changes too mind you. Standing next to the motorized ice shaver now, I'm looking at that spinning block of ice and blotches of rust on the iron frame. 

Ah, grownups see all sorts of things.
   

End-of-Life: A Commentary to Y2K 11-10

Some are familiar with EOL and some don't. EOL means two things to me: Windows XP in April 2014 and life. Since the former is predictable, no, it's confirmed, all I have to do is make preparations for it; details of which are yet unknown.

Life is more unpredictable. I might not even get the chance to hit the "Publish" button on this post, unlikely but possible. Now, life and some decisions to be made form the theme of Y2K 11-10. Back in '99, in the run up towards midnight of December 31, there's a piece about the Y2K bug at least once a week. Some predicted a total chaos whilst others scrambled to upgrade their system.

I remember waking up the next day hoping to hear the siren, smoke, and gunshot. Sadly, it's just another day in life and the school opens for a new term in a few days' time. No anarchy to save us school-going kids.

Nearly 11 years after that, with a better grasp of what life is, I wrote about the unpredictable nature of life one stanza a day in the month of October. Amid the unrest in New York and the world over, I was deep in thought about what to do next.

One moment, I could picture how nice things would turn out for options A through C and disillusionment in the next. Then the EOL of XP hit me: there are things I never prepare enough for. So yeah, there's an expiration date on each of us and some has a price on their head on top of the expiry date.

And?

Got to keep moving; fueled by aspiration, guided in the right direction by wise counsel, and protected by any moral roughage I can gather. Gung-ho eh? Well, everybody's got to start somewhere.

The last stanza was an afterthought, really. To end it properly with a change in season: summer through to winter, the Bealtane of an earlier writing to the approaching Halloween. And lived with with doggedness of Ernest Shackleton.

I rarely explain what I wrote. In fact, this is the second time that the meaning behind a piece is elucidated. Another time was because the intended reader didn't really get it. Oh well, people who write in meandering ways are boring.

   

Y2K 11-10

The Sturm und Drang of Occupied October
Should cause casual commoners like me to quiver
A nascent ripple waxing by the day
Swinging out in every cardinal point and Rome burns today

Oddly, there prevails a state of uncanny equanimity
Permeating the noetic sphere called the mental faculty
From the placidity burst forth the brilliant flashes
It becomes hard to secern excitement from madness

Day 3 if cogitation and getting nowhere
There’s got to be an answer somewhere, but where?
I’m stuck between that man-wrought cave of utter despair
and that doggone whirlpool of delusion and certain snare

The sum of 2 and 2
Summed up the world rotten through and through
I’m not without aspiration nor expiration
And can only hope to emerge unscathed from adulteration

One bittersweet summer repleted by burnt butterscotch
Dwindled away to the cold, carved pumpkins at the porch
The frost of Shackleton’s time will soon gnaw
at our extremities whilst we await the first snowfall.