Aha! It's Gonna Cost Me

With the adaptor out and battery fully discharged, I'm left with my only means to cyberspace - 3G-powered mobile phone; even this is fast becoming irrelevant.

Suddenly I have so much free time to ponder over the most insignificant of things; including the old earphone. I thought I'd bypass the frayed part by chopping it off and reconnecting the working regions. Little did I know that splicing won't work due to another layer of insulation surrounding each fibre. I found out later the need to solder the ends together with some flux.

Often things happen and we thought we'd have them in control. The thing is, the "aha" moment usually comes after things got screwed up. In this mess, we either pick up the pieces and figure out what to do or just chuck it in some box till a later time.

Had I seen the awkward contortion the wires were making I would've done something before the floor beneath gave way.

Now I'd have to dig myself out of this pit. Aha!
   

The String that Vibrates: Remembering Bro Charles

An accomplished pianist; a linguist speaking fluent Bahasa Malaysia, English, German, French and Mandarin; a teacher, mathematician, a friend and an administrator all rolled into one...

-Ng Soon Hong, Brother Charles Wolfe FSC - Remembering an old teacher

That describes Charles Levin @ Karl Wolff, or simply, Brother Charles to us Xaverians. Words will always remain words and the parturition of memory usually overwhelms the writer – in significance, pleasantness – more than the reader.

Those, like me, started studying in SXI in the late 90s would remember Bro. Charles as the "German brother who speaks fluent Malay". There was this one time when he came by the class to inform us of his new German lessons and that he's accepting students. Surely, most of us were more impressed by how excited he was about the lessons and the pluses of learning German than the prospect of having to be at school earlier in the morning. Had I taken up the offer...

Another encounter with the man was on a Friday right after the school assembly. He rounded a few of us and led us to the Palm Court and around the basketball court area – a saw in hand – to help carry [and discard] palm fronds! He'd stop and tell us stories about gardening, the traveller's palm, and how to maintain them. No hurry but eager to impart what he knows.

Somehow I felt I had to thank him for all that he had done over the years for the school, for his zealous commitment to the cause of education for all, for his selfless dedication. I shook his hand and he clasped mine and I said simply, “Thank you, Brother, for all that you have done for us.”

-Anil Netto, SXI: Brother Charle Levin's Legacy

Of course, I couldn't give a more glowing valediction like some of the students he formally taught. But the grief from man's passing is shared by members of the La Sallian/Xaverian family.

Whether we laugh or cry, occasions like this creates a buzz in us all. And it tells us that we're connected: this one school, many great teachers-and-friend, fondest of memories; all involved in shaping us.

You have taught us well.

Thank you, Brother.
   

Blessings

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if each promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this hearts,
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?
   

Tak Pernah Berubah

Tempted to make a post in Malay but decided to hold off until later.

Tak Pernah Berubah, the title of the song by Suki Low (of One in a Million fame if you didn't already know). YouTube video of the song at the end of the post. Not sure if it's just me or there's really a hint of, for lack of a better word, poignancy throughout the song but relaxing nonetheless.

Never Did Change. I reckon that to be the correct translation. And I'd like to think that I never did change too; well, not over to the dark side that is. My view of the local academia remains: that a good percentage of them are selfish and avaricious people seeking office and high praises. But try forcing them back to reality and you'll see a showcase of 'faux intelligence'. In any case, I'll be facing this bunch of people in my thesis defence on September 3. Can hardly wait!

Anyway, I'm quite certain that I can finish the slides before Kak Mimi's engagement on the third day of Aidilfitri. Events such as this do make all the slogging worthwhile. After the defence, I'll look forward to Asyura's wedding on the 16th.

Yours truly with Syura and Kak Mimi. Note: this is 3 years old so what you see ain't what you'll get

Thereafter, interview by for a job with the Ministry of Health (nice way of saying government hospitals/public laboratories) in October. Lastly, a project report at Universiti Malaya in November organized by the Malaysia Toray Science Foundation.

For a moment, it's only natural to think that we have everything drawn out. Plan all we want but it's foolish to be too certain of anything that will happen in the future. The one who trusts in him-/herself will scoff at the notion that nothing is ever certain – or at the idea of a sovereign being – and human knowledge trumps everything.

James reminds that "you do not know what tomorrow will bring". And asks, "What is your life?" (James 4:13-17). Taken out of context, mockers will only be happy to say that it's the slogan of the unambitious. Oh well, I'll be the judge of that.

Drumming the Postmodern Way

I've come a long way since the last enjoyable Friday. And tonight I have Coldplay's Yellow covered by an iPad drummer to kick it off. Way to go!

Of course, if anyone fancies the good ol' percussion sans touchscreen technologies then look up TreCool30 on YouTube for a blast.

Drums are nice but a bit out of place especially if you live in a high rise residence all your life. Consequently [and naturally], I like wind instruments better. Then again, why'd anyone care what my inclinations are? Hmm...
  

Be on a Lookout

for false teachers because "false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Master who bought them, bringing upon themselves swift destruction" (2 Peter 2:1-3) and to "test everything; hold fast what is good" (1 Thessalonians 5:21).

Listen to what John Piper has to say about the so-called 'Prosperity Gospel' and why it's abominable.

Key verse: 1 Timothy 6:6-11

Night Falls

The night falls and the greater light ceded duty to its lesser counterpart. As I prepare for nightfall, it marks the beginning of yet another 'day' for many – man and other creatures alike.

Perhaps it's been so many nights (more than a week) filled with that greyish tint of a somewhat acrid scent that I find tonight especially beautiful. Rain in the past two days, twice today, did seem to freshen things up.

The Milky Way and a tank on Lemnos Island, Greece. (Credit: Konstantinos Vasilakis)

I saw the stars sitting pretty before the blue, night sky (yes, night skies are blue) limited by the size of my window. It's enough.

For from this calmness burst forth a thousand voices. Yet, as I hit my make-believe F5 button, I saw what I had seen moments ago: calm and quiet.

So, be it a flutter and a flurry, or a lull and a hush, I'll take them into my REM sleep knowing things are indeed in control. From the rotation of the Earth to the teardrop from that deep yawn.
 

Terra Incognita

It has been seven years and still counting
The eighth looms with the tears still flowing
In some moments’ reprieve did they ease
Granting an instance of ataraxis

No sooner had the pain gone away
Than the surge of memories crashed my way
Time is a potent salve yet feelings remained grey
More so with every minute on this special day

What seemed like a week ago
With that gratingly gaping hole
Turns out to be a great distance in the eyeshot
As I edge away in a bumbling backward trot

I guess this is my deep end of the pool
One with my coach prematurely pulled
Now left the timing system to motivate me
And the lane markings to guide emotionlessly

Be it emeralds or ametrines
Contact mines or sea nymphs
I backed into the terra incognita
Holding on to her goading to get this far

The daisies stand out against the frigid monolith
Like the warm and welcoming figure I love and miss
Affection, acceptance, and a hearty laughter permeate the air
In the home of the cook, pizzaiola, and counselor-extraordinaire.
           

Coffin

The ride along the coast was a ruse

A journey to a destination I couldn't choose

I was paralyzed neck down

Bundled into it; mouth gagged, limbs bound

I can see yet I see not

I'm sane yet I couldn't reason

It's truth and explanation which I sought

Silence - I got nothing but only derision

The rugged lid was ajar

I felt my captor hasn't gone far

I lay there motionless

Feeling hollow, increasing numbness

And then I heard the dreaded thud

The lid was mercilessly shut

With every nails flashed vivid memories

Every blow turned them into miseries

The pain was beyond words

Nothing is able to describe the hurt

I tried to shout but nothing came out

Hoping to hear that it's an April Fool's joke

     but none came about

In the dark, anguish engulfed me

Yet I felt a deep sense of yearning

Longing to see daylight and Aphrodite

To again walk, talk, and stare - grinning

It was two nights of emptiness and cold

Before the full effects dawned upon me - searing

Gripped and bleeding, the throes of alienation unfold

With a bloody heart, I close my eyes

      and it began raining

Edited.
First posted in 2008

Stupidity: Things Above and Not Things Here on Earth

The things of God are stupidity to many. Nobody, of his or her own volition, seeks after God or things that please Him. If you’re that person, you can stop reading now. After all, if you’re looking for a cogent argument this isn’t the place. If any, only a simple faith exists. Many who argue against what I'm going to say (or type, for that matter) have already made up their mind, not in the least concerned about cogency and rigour, and I won’t bring the roof down doing that.

Think about it for a moment. If our value system is not shaped by the Bible (Matt. 6:19-24), the things we value or treasure consistently let us down when we seek our significance, or satisfaction, or security in those things. The energy spent in pursuing what we think those things will provide—happiness, security, satisfaction—consistently lead to failure. The pleasures we think will satisfy us never really do—at least not for long. In fact, they typically just increase our thirst for more. What futile irony!! Such irony is plainly the very fabric of life when it is lived independently of God.

J. Hampton Keathley, III
Resting in God’s Sovereignty

Christians or not, people stock up (rightly) to the point that these material riches become their only goal (wrongly). The “attainable” goal of a comfortable life. Nothing wrong, right? I put “attainable” because everyone thinks that once it’s achieved, we’d step back, sit down, and enjoy. But the fact is, will it ever be enough?

Now God and the Bible aside, I’ve heard on more than one occasion people who proclaimed: “there’s more to life than {insert your goals here}”. Sure thing. There’s more to doing research than to lose sleep over whether the neighbouring lab’s going to outdo and out-publish in a month’s time.

There’s God.

If only people would align their goals to God’s. Instead of asking, “What should I eat, wear, or the type of property to own?” asks, “What do I do with my gifts?” or “How can I bring glory to God?”

I’m perhaps the biggest hypocrite to be saying all these and echoing Paul, “the least and the most unworthy”. Somehow, the toiling and the sustained rush over the past months; plus the little eye-opening chitchats with driven folks did put into perspective the futility of it all when done to satisfy humanity’s benchmark.

What’s prosperity without a purpose? Self-glory is for the here and now. Said Solomon: Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
    and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
    nothing was gained under the sun

Ecclesiastes 2:11

I’m not going to change anyone. But I don’t wish to waste my time achieving everything, rely on my [self-perceived] great understanding + knowledge, giving in to the physical pleasures and contemporaneously bankrupting my spiritual life.

No, no. I’m not entering monkhood nor am I shunning the good things in life [that God has created]. All I’m saying is that I need to have my own convictions and not do as everyone else does.

It’s not easy to close my eyes and walk. It’s not too difficult not to peek either, or remove the blindfold and say, “Fine, I’ll do what I know best.”

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

1 Timothy 6:6-10 

If only the Bible hasn’t been relegated in favour of modern, up-to-date societal demands, or verses cherry-picked to fit [our goals and justify our actions] into the world (oh, we see this often among religionists, don’t we?).

I only hope and ask from God that more people will be like-minded when it comes to goals in life — pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. To serve God and not the gods of this world.

See You Again, Buddy!

We walked hand in hand – actually a small fist clasped around an index finger – without a care in the world. On a 2-minute journey to the nearest kiosk. One moment I carry him and we attempted to hit Mach 1. The next, we're in a make-believe toboggan; shrills of delight permeated the living room with each gold coin we collected.

When school's over I'll rush to get your favourite mash potatoes, with extra gravy of course. On your bedside, we attend to your toys in the makeshift playground. Nothing seems to bother you; definitely not the housemen on patrol.

Lil' bro, you could've outgrown Mario and prefers french fries now but it means a lot knowing that you still remember me.

Rest now, we'll meet again some day.

Love, 

'Koko' Julian.

This one's for Darius Low Wei Han. At 14 years and a little over 3 months, some might say untimely but I know that God's timing is perfect. Yes, we grieve. We shed tears. But deep down, we're convinced "that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him... [and] we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever." This particular section of 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 is a great comfort.

Being the youngest in the family, the feeling that came over me when you have little [or younger] ones looking up to you as an older brother was priceless. It was a crash course in responsibility. That my words and actions were observed and being emulated. But it was fun. It was enriching. It's special. Looking back, could I have done better? Yes!

Digitized: Eight years ago in January. One of two treasured photos in my album.

The funeral's in a few hours time and I'm wide awake. Time really flies. Till we meet again, little bro.
 

Chasing the Dust Bunnies

Ever since the last posting more than a month ago, I could only stare at the collected dust day after day before deciding that I should just put something up here today. Begone, ye binary dust! I had so much planned for the blog before the weekend but Murphy's Law prevailed. There's nothing much I could do.

April is the birthday month of some wonderful people as far off as Минск. Just saying...

I thought the following song was good when I first heard it. Thanks to neungy1 who put up the English translation on YouTube, I now understand its content and find it rather poignant. Ha!

Stream and enjoy.

Unloveable by Mild

Now, I don't spend my time on the net looking for Thai music but some videos, being viral, will eventually catch your attention. Bell Nuntita sang this song as one of the two-song remix during the audition for Thailand's Got Talent.

I must say, a good performance. And sweet-looking too. Before anyone thinks that I support the cause of the LGBT community, I have made my stand some time back. That said, I won't stand in the middle of the street and scream "God hates fags!".

To do that would be presumptuous and assumptive; playing God and being sanctimonious. This group of people misrepresent the nature of God to serve their confrontational methods; cherry-picking from the Scripture whilst conveniently overlook the others.

On another matter, I would have no problems marching in the BERSIH rally to make a stand (BERSIH 3.0 will be a sit-in though) against all things immoral perpetuate by the government of the day.

I should get back to work now.

Boleh in Birmingham: What Does Being A Malaysian Means?

At last it's started. Lee Chong Wei against Lin Dan for the All-England champion's title. The Malaysian crowd's reception is fantastic. Each time the camera pans across the arena, you see Malaysians cheering and waving.  Who wouldn't? After all it's a worldwide 3 seconds of fame.

These fellas aren't paid to sing "Boleh, Boleh, Boleh" in Birmingham (yes, I swear I heard boleh and not Olé or Oé). They scream for their fellow countryman, jump, and clap side by side.

Back home, it's a little different. When I say little, it's actually heaps. Here we're told not to mingle too much lest we go astray (rightly or wrongly, I'll leave it to the 'learned'). Here, we're taught day after day since 7 years old that the Ahmad, Beng, Chandran, and Dominic ak. Embong have evil plans waiting to be realised. So, we cheer for our own and we jeer at someone who speaks a different tongue.

*Hey, that's another questionable call by the umpire!*

Living/studying abroad was never an option for me but I reading about what life is like over there and I'm always moved by the unity displayed by Malaysians; the most recent one being the worldwide BERSIH rally. I learn from a friend studying in the UK that whenever there are student-organised events, the Malaysians always do food. Ha! Home or abroad, food's on our minds.

But there's more at home. We have bread war! And on Facebook, racially-motivated rumours has been circulating and many gobbled it up blindly. Nobody cares. Why do anything when you can get the people to suspect one another and remain divided?

*Lee Chong Wei conceded a walkover to Lin Dan. Damn! Better game next time, Lee.*

Yes, we've heard this time and again. We're Malaysians outside the country's border and in here, we live within our own racially-demarcated enclave. Enclave because some are still considered immigrants; or made to feel that way.

This is purely my opinion but I suspect it's a fact. Perhaps this one comes a little too late: 55 years late. But whoever said we shouldn't push for a change? A change in [insert your favourite noun here].

Time to dream about change. Good night Malaysians abroad. Good night my friends. Oh, come back and vote-lah! Satay and teh tarik alone ain't good enough, y'know...
   

Looking Back in Time - Kizuna

They say time flies when you're having fun but on the flip side, it stops when tragedy strikes. Does it really? Depends on how you perceive it.

This photo greeted me on TMI

It's been a year already. For many, it was news. And it was difficult. But for victims of the March 11 quake and tsunami, it truly is. Whether it's a minute's silence or a daily revisitation, the events of 2011 and others that followed should cause many to stop and reevaluate the course of their life.

I did.

Kizuna: Kanji of 2011, story on BBC News Asia (STR/AFP/Getty Images)

As for looking back, it's very much up to an individual how he or she wish to make of it. To some, bad fortune hardens their resolve to push on. Personally, I'm beginning to learn that the woulda-coulda-shoulda sentiment won't do me any good.

For every other things, a moment's pause is all it takes to realign and try again.

And oh, it's also been a year since the "unofficial first lady of Malaysia" aired her unadvised * opinion on the disaster,

(*grossly understated)
     

Women,

John Lennon "stole" my words. *winks*

Love this animated GIF (found here)

Woman I can hardly express
My mixed emotions at my thoughtlessness
After all I'm forever in your debt
And woman I will try to express
My inner feelings and thankfulness
For showing me the meaning of success
   

Phlegmatic Days

These days, the vision's clear but appeared out of focus. Voices seemed shielded, spoken from behind some fabric. Muffled. It's even harder to try to process mood of the whole affair.

How nice if we'd just agree to everything: life's principles, finances, decisions. Yes, you and I. Our thoughts effortlessly meld. We nod in a split seconds. Kiss and promenade in the dreamy rays. When hunger sets in, we take a bite out of each other. The thigh today. The arms tomorrow. Careful, it's a little tough there. The ribs the day after. Yes love. The world's ours.

Oops! Too much Walking Dead I reckon. And it's not even possible that two people are the same. Guess everyone's gotta work hard where the heart matters.
           

A Hand Job on February 14

What better way to spend February 14 than to accomplish something some at my favourite spot: the coffee table. Some preferred the dinner table, work table, and even the countertop (I suppose people get easier access to necessary stuff like whipped cream or napkins).

Cream: for dessert, that is (FantasyStock on dA)

I intended to stay dry so I made sure to work calmly. As the forgotten-who-said-it saying goes, "It's all in the wrist". I have two hands so it's half the time needed. Theoretically.

It took almost half the day before everyone's satisfied and go for a shower. Sweetness! I could remember the last moment before it was over. It was preceded by a sustained increase in heart rate and the anticipatory tremor. Getting there.

And then, that gush of happiness.

A diligent and dexterous digits are the only requirement. The thumb and pinky gently pushes left and right whilst the heel of the palm functions as a support, at times doubling as a weight. The index, middle, and ring finger work their magic in all directions. The index finger teases and twirls; sometimes vigorously, sometimes cautiously. The eyes darting purposefully. Hand-eye coordination, remember?

The other hand looks for and presses at the correct spot.

What next? Clean up. And reevaluate to see if things could be bettered. After this, I have to use my tongue and my lips but that's for another time. But for now, I'm going to rest and bring respite to my tired being. Accomplishing my goals on the coffee table appears to be my raison d'être lately.

The M115 for the right hand and the keyboard for both.

         

Asians in the States

*speaking [inaudibly] in the American accent*

Not sure why YouTube stopped sending digests on Jubilee Project. Be The Change is a timely reminder. And an important one too considering how much focus one puts on a single thing when there are many more things that matter.

So yeah, Be The Change. If I could just italiciZe the word "the".

Be The Change.

Enjoy.

*wipes saliva from lips*

     
         

United Federation of Crows

They come in different forms and traits, and they usually stand in the way between point A and B; B being an objective of A.

Many are made to believe that this group people facilitates the process of getting from A to B but the truth is, they slow things down. Worse, there are times when they only function to be a barricade. You know, that one made of razor wires?

atsoram at sxc.hu

Yes, I've tried to be like a roach. Changing myself to adapt but there's nothing much I could do when there's a minefield to the left and a scarp to the right.

天下乌鸦一样黑

And yes, I understand some 谚语 but in their hànyǔ pīnyīn form. So you Chinese-ed fellas out there who love giving names like "banana" can just keep it to yourselves.

*growling*

February Already

Damn. A month's gone. Just like that. But I can be proud of myself and the effort I put into my work.

"A little more..."

"Just a bit more." I keep telling myself.

Meanwhile, reading materials unrelated to work keep on increasing but I'm enjoying it! So much knowledge, but so little time and so weak the extraocular muscles. I've grown interested in a topic which concerns us all; yet, seeing where I live right now, I'm not supposed to discuss it openly. Rest assured, I'm not homosexual. Not a closet one too.

It's on one of these "data mining" journey on the web that I learn about Jon Gomm. And his performance of Passionflower – discovered in the unlikeliest of websites – has become my favourite YouTube vid of 2012 yet!

Here you go. Passionflower by Jon Gomm